I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
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I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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