the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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