If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
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He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
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You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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