it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
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Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
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We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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