his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
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google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
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Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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