you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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