I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
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She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize