Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
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All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
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After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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