i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
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I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
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I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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