I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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