just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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