now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize