Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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