I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
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No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
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Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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