Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We need to get me chipped asap
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize