Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
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I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
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The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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