Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
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Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
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How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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