Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
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My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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