I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
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I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
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Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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