At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
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There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
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I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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