dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize