Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize