I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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