i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
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I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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