thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
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I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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