I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
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We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
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I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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