There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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