Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
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You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
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we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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