You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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