Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She even gives head with a lisp.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize