There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
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How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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