I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
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All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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