I'm so fucking centered right now
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
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I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
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Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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