My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
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