at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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