Swine flu. Run for my life!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize