probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
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No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
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I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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