I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
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I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
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Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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