I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize