can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
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he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
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There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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