There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
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im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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