1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
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I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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