I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
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Oh Jesus.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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