We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
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As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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