She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
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You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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