and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
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Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
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After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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