I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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