I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
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I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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