soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
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Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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