Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
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The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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